What’s it like?

Today is Wednesday, but we are still coming out of the fog of a wedding weekend. One of our sons was married this past Saturday so we had a ton of family in for the wedding – there were 27 people in all involved in our weekend on our side of the family. It was awesome!

So today feels a little bit like a Monday because we have decided that we have to move on and reclaim the house – while that many people were not staying at our house (where would they stay, right? We have three of ours that still live with us and three fosters, we did have 5 staying with us, including a couple of groomsmen on the couches and some readjustments to some rooms. That makes 13 in the house and so the house is a little out of sorts. We are currently on laundry load number 2 of 324 🙂

See, here’s the thing, by the time everyone left on Monday morning, we have had doctor’s appointments, our son had a football thing that we loaded all of our crew up to go watch, plus the son’s sweet girlfriend. We will have a foster care support worker over, we have paperwork for our two year foster license renewal that we STILL haven’t sat down to do, an Early Intervention worker to see the newborn’s progress was over this morning, there will be a visitation with a mother that is an hour away tomorrow, plus church small group tonight – at our house, we have our foster parent association meeting tomorrow night, and all the regular things that need to be done in any household that has 8 people living in it.

No, foster care is not for the faint of heart. But, really neither is parenting, or marriage, or life. It’s all hard work. And no matter what you do there will be those moments when the nine-year-old who lives with you will come and tell you that he doesn’t have any clean underwear and you’ll wonder how you let that slip or that you’ve run out of dog food and no one told you until 11:30 at night and there’s nothing to feed the dogs in the morning – thank goodness for teen drivers, am I right?

We do everything that you do and we have the same issues that you do, we just add a few extra people to the mix and when the phone rings and you see that number and you know that it’s placement – you STILL get excited and you say “Yes! Bring that kid to my house now!” You know when you say yes that it is just going to complicate things, all the doctor visits, dentist appointments, counseling, social workers coming to your house, meetings that have to be attended, court proceedings that you need to be there for so that you can be aware of what is happening… All of these things are part of the deal AND when you have the room and you have more than one case in your home, you can double some of that.

So, this morning, I am sitting here, just needing to write all of this down as we get back into the grind. My wife has taken three of ours to the park because they REALLY need some outside time. One is at football practice. Two of ours are napping for now and I am listening for the clothes dryer to finish and about to go microwave my coffee, again.

Fostering is the BEST thing you will ever do, but I always tell the foster parents I train, it’s a lifestyle, not just a few more things to do. There’s more to it than just loving kids. You will have to change the way you do life, discipline your kids, plan meals, plan outings, plan anything and everything. But, oh my goodness, what a wonderful life it is. I love it and I wouldn’t go back for anything.

Who’s Supporting You Pt 3

People Who Can Give You a Break

You need a group of people that can give you a break. Whether that break is a short trip to the coffee shop with your spouse or something more, you need some people who are willing to step into your home and take care of the children in your home so that you can get that time away. Sometimes we need someone to come and be with the children so that we can do something that I focused on one of the children in our home – like sporting events, such as banquets and other meetings.

In our state, we have a policy that is called “Prudent Parenting” that encourages us to do all the same things with our foster children that we would do with our own children. This means that when it comes to babysitters, even for a short overnight period, we can leave our foster children with anyone we would have watch our own children. This may not be the case in your state, but even if you’re in a state that regulates who watches the children for you, you need to find some individuals who can be your go-to for those times you need a break, even if that means being willing to trade off that time. 

Breaks are really important. I write this as someone who really just doesn’t take enough. My wife and I do not have a weekly or even monthly date night. Probably a little like you, even when we find the time, having the money can get sticky. But, I am an advocate and sometimes need the reminder that even getting someone to come and stay with the kids so that you can go for an extended walk or just a cup of coffee at McDonald’s can be just the thing you need. 

I have worked with teenagers and college students the majority of my life and so this has been a blessing in that most of the time, you have someone in your circle that would love to stay with your kids and already knows them, a little bit about them, and may already know some of the things that they need to watch for with the children.

Maybe you have family nearby, parents, grown sisters or brothers. We haven’t lived near any family for a decade or so, but we have always been able to find some “grandparents” or an “aunt” in church that have loved on our kids – bios, adopted, or foster – like they really were related and that has always been a blessing. If you’re reading this and you’re not a foster parent, but you know one – offer to babysit. There is nothing better that you could do, really. It is one of the best gifts a foster parent (or any parent) could be given.

Who’s Supporting You? Pt 2

This week, I want to talk about the system as a support. There are so many agencies across the country through which people choose to do foster care. I don’t know what your agency is, but Kelly and I have been with the state from the beginning of our foster care journey. At first, we got a little push back when we would tell people this. Their reaction was one of disbelief that we wouldn’t go with a religious agency and that we would just go with “the system.” But, we’ve been with the system the whole time and I haven’t met a more compassionate, hard working group of people in my life.

I won’t say we have never been disappointed by the system. We definitely have. There have been times where we definitely disagreed with what was decided and we have vocalized that when those moments came. But, all-in-all, our time as foster parents has been rewarding and fulfilling. That caricature of the jaded case worker who only cares about the rules and not really about the children? Never met that person.

No matter what your agency, whether you are with the state in which you live or you are with a private agency, religious or not, you need to be able to depend on that agency for support. These are the people that you need to be able to call when you feel like you’re at the end of your rope and you aren’t sure that you can continue. These are the people that can get you the help you need in the way of a break with respite or help you get the services that you feel that the child in your care needs.

I know, at times, that these people seem to be too busy to actually attend to any need you have, real or felt, but remember that these people, while busy, do want to help. Trust me, a social work degree isn’t fun enough for them to get in to social work for that reason and since most social workers I know are underpaid, overworked, and under-appreciated, the reason they are there is because they want to help.

I know that each of you may be able to share an exception to this from personal experience, and so can we, but those are the exceptions.

One of the best things about being a foster parent in our state is that you have what is known as a Foster Parent Support worker, an FPS. These people are in our home once a month. It’s like a mini-therapy session! You get to talk with someone who gets it because they are also seeing it from the inside. Sure, this person’s job is to make sure that we are compliant with our training and other policies dealing with our home, but also they are there to give us support and help us when we need help. Often, they are our advocate when we aren’t getting what we are asking for in a particular case. Ours, BJS and SR, are amazing and I don’t know how we would get through the journey without them. I thank God for them and their hearts for foster care and for us.

I hope more than anything that you are able to get the support you need from your agency. If not, be a voice for change. Speak up and talk with those who feel as passionate about foster care as you do, but also feel like the agency you work with isn’t as supportive of its foster parents as you think they should be. Work with those like-minded foster parents and the agency to see what can be changed and what you can do to help.